Mr. Thane has come forth from the basement of darkness we can only suppose he resides in from Monday through Friday--and sometimes on weekends--to deliver to me the second installment of his guide to interpersonal communication for those on...the darker side. He moves in mysterious ways, indeed. One might even say he is the Bono of the Dark Web. Enjoy.
The hard truth is that even though the materials and know-how necessary for golem-craft and soul casting is readily available on the Dark Web, not everyone is capable of taking those tools and using them to make quality friends.
Fear not, dear reader. I count myself among them.
It is very true that I have successfully crafted, shaped, baked, and cast life into a golem or two. It’s equally true that a couple of those creatures have gone on to live happy, contented lives.
As best friends.
Far, far away from me.
And that’s the rub. Being proficient in the arts, sciences, crafts, dark crafts, black craft, craft beers, and metal crafting necessary to create a semblance of life doesn’t mean you have the personality for it. Making a creature is hard, making one that will actually like you once they’re sentient and no longer dependent on you to bring them the blood of 100 hamsters each night for sustenance is harder still. Creating a living(ish) soul (kind of) that will bind their soul to yours according to the 97 Rules of Eternal Friendship and Blood Brotherhood as laid out by the Council of Niezsche in 508?
I’ve seen wizened mages and eternal beings from the realms of the Cthulu try and fail.
That leaves us with our back-up plan. If we can’t make friends, we’ll influence people in such a way that we get the benefits of friendship (invites to parties, presents on our birthdays, and help moving to a new apartment across town) without having to actually, you know, be a friend.
The first step in influencing someone to do your bidding and think of you as a friend (even if the hate you) is finding out their soul type. Now, if you’re new to the world of the occult, you probably think that all souls are human and all humans have souls and that’s the end of it.
A soul’s type is determined by any number of things. The year of birth, their horoscope, blood type, the direction of the wind at conception, and what song was #1 on the charts the day they took their first breath. World-renowned expert on souls, soul types, soul casting, soul mates, and soul food D’Angelo Machivelia Sosa the XIX helped me co-write The Definite Guide to Knowing Your Soul, Mate! and you can buy it in the Kindle Store of Fire and Ice today for only $9.99. It has detailed information on all 99 known types of soul, including a few rare hybrids. I recommend you pick it up.
Once you know the target’s soul type you’ll need to find a spell that is at least 75% compatible with that soul. This is important. Don’t cast a Spell of Familial Bonding on, say, an Alabaster Onyx soul. That type has a very weak family love rating. It won’t work. Match your spell of influence with the soul type or you might accidently upset your English 101 teacher and be forced to write all your assignment in Koine Greek.
Hey. It happens.
Once you’ve got right spell ready to cast, you’ll need a talisman. Two, actually. One for you and one for your target. Now, the old way of doing things said the two talismans had to match, hence the rise of those irritating friendship necklaces. New research has determined that this urban legend is false. They don’t have to be anything alike. But they both have to have had the Chant of Forging (Third Edition; 12th Revision, 1987) said over them under the light of the same full moon. (Note: If you try and use the Third Edition; 12b Revision, 1988, not only will you fail, but you’re also a heretic and I hate you.)
The next, and most difficult task, is getting the talisman in the hands of your target. Observe them. Study them. Stalk them if you have to. Write down how many bathroom breaks they take, how long they’re gone, and if you detect and hints of sulphur in the smell they leave behind. If you can get some of their DNA, great; if not, try, well…never mind. Don’t try that. Take all the information you gather on them and use the Ancient Cypher of Orneo and the AntiLife Equation of Hu to narrow your talisman options down to one or two. Then pick the best option, say the chant, and give it a go.
Once your target has the talisman in their possession, you’re in. Their soul is under your sway. They’re playing Nickelback on their computer? Bam. Say the words, rub the talisman and certainly, no they are not. Do they have an extra ticket to Comic-Con? Nope. Now you do. Did they get the last day-old donut from the breakroom? So what? Why would you want that? Let them have it. Try enticing them to pick you up a slice of cheesecake on their lunch break instead.
Influencing people for fun and profit is easy. But the “for profit” part is illegal and will bring the Eerie Enforcers of Ethics down on your head if you’re not careful. Just don’t abuse the privilege, and you’ll be fine.
And if worse comes to worse and you can neither make friends nor influence people, I’ve got a book on finding Occult friendly pets coming out this Fall.
Archiba’ald Thane is an author, speaker, enchanter, and Proto-Atlantean Warlock of the Seventh Spire. He has been published in Dark Arts and Culture and The Bloody Grail. His books are available for purchase in the Kindle Store of Fire and Ice and his newest book Spellbinding: An Occultist’s Guide to Beauty and Fashion will be available in the Fall of 2016. He is also a part-time employee at Whole Foods. You can find him on FaceTome or on Screecher: @THE_Archiba’ald_Thane